Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
You Might Also Like
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My background check bounced.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.