The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.