I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
how to exercise your calf muscles
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
i- i did not expect this
Day 2 of my diet
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?