God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.