[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Mood.. 😂
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.