Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
wtf management?!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP