My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
FINE, I WON’T.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?