Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue