Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.