I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)