“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.