me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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we’re gonna need another temp
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Unexpected Judgment
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth