[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.