Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.