Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!