These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
And then there were 4
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet