Monday Lisa
You Might Also Like
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
i spent way too long on this
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.