Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store