[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone