My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Why is no one talking about this?!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
The Birdles
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Taliband
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats