I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.