Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.