Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
IT’S-A ME,
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato