Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.