Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.