How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.