My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
bugs when you lift up a rock
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Beware…..
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight