I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.