*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Saturday
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
the answer was staring at me all along
buying dead houseplants to save time
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.