I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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i’m still crying at this
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”