Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?