When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes