Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You Might Also Like
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
pelicons