HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion