Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.