Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.