Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.