Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.