Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Oh my God.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise