ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?