TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
$4 #usedbooks
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.