4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You Might Also Like
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
They’re really bad with fonts.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
This kid is going places
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.