[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
work smarter, not harder
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.