Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not