ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
🤣😂
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I saw this ending much differently.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?