has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.