*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My Guy
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Meme Monday.
The “baby” on the left….
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.