For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Bill is short for Billiam
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi