A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.