Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Bro what is this
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.